I never thought I would have to be alone just because I think that the purpose of life is to experience everything there is to experience. I thought that wanting to search for new feelings the universe offers with every step I take is more important than being able to fit into groups, classes, parties, social circles, cultures and subcultures, trends, and social, political and personal expectations. In me there is a core that’s longing for adventure, for undiscovered smells, undiscovered tastes, undiscovered feelings of pleasure and desire, undiscovered sounds, undiscovered music, undiscovered stories, but that is perceived as an annoying trait, something to be changed. I should accept everything other people accept and get on with it, there is nothing beautiful about the universe, just get in line with the next guy and stop dreaming and talk and behave the way everybody else does. Why. Not me. Not ever. I look to see what is beyond the obvious. I never thought that the purpose of my existence had to be to be understood by everyone and to be accepted by everyone. To be predictable and focused on whatever it is I am supposed to be doing every day and not to explore my imagination. I want to live my life and think and feel and experience and say everything that is in me and around me. All of us should be encouraged to experience the universe and search for new feelings. If the purpose of life is to experience everything there is to experince how can you experince everything there is to experince when you are limited by groups, classes, parties, social circles, cultures and subcultures, trends, and social, political and personal expectations. I think this is one of the reasons why we procrastinate. The originality of our creativity scares us, it makes us think that no one will understand us so or our creation so we stop creating and attempt to communicate ourselves and our ideas and our passions in recognizable patterns.
I never dreamed that it would be so hard to love and that love had to depend on everything else except love and the ability to love somebody regardless of their ambitions and perceptions as long as they are positive. I never dreamed that one would have to become something loveable in order to be loved and that one would never be allowed to be himself if that self was unacceptable. If that self is not what is liked that one would have to become a different self that is more acceptable to people, regardless of the fact that his choices are more valid, truthful and positive. But above all else I never dreamed that I would be discarded and replaced so quickly and so easily without any consideration once there was a realization that I could not be changed and that my perception of people and environment would not be changed and that I will not accept things and people that I will not accept. I never dreamed that it would be possible for a person to open their heart to somebody else, so quickly, so thoughtlessly, without hesitation. I fail to understand what love is. I completely and totally fail to understand it and to perceive it. Love is always so concealed within so many other things and depends upon so many other things that we never experience it because we are so afraid of not being loved that we look for anything that could be a sign of the lover’s inability to love us so we build an ongoing barrier between ourselves and the person who wants to love us. Instead of just feeling the love and not thinking about what is in the way. Something will always be there. Something that bothers us, something that is not right, something that is not perfect, something that is not what we want it to be. The aim should not be to resolve and remove all those things because that is impossible. Our characters are not perfect and cannot be fine tuned to a perfection. We get upset, disturbed, unhappy, and experience many other emotions every day. We can modify our reactions to some extent but we cannot remove them and turn them into some kind of predictable pattern. We cannot turn what we are into what the other person expects us to be and this seems to be what people want. The aim should be to learn how to love despite all those things. Books teach people how to remedy this and that and how to look for sources of this problem and that problem. What brought this situation about and what brought that situation about. But the source is us and we will always be there. As soon as we encounter a new problem we will respond to it and because the problem is new our response will be knew and it will never be possible to alter all of our behaviours to a perfection which will never annoy the other person. That is being a computer. Computer programs have a finite number of inputs and provide a finite and predictable number of outputs. Humans are different. They change every day. Loving people for what they are and believing in their love is an ongoing challenge. Not a problem which can be solved. People who are looking for a solution every day can never be happy because they are too afraid that the person will become something unlovable so they never experience love, they focus on trying to do or not do things which will affect the other person’s behaviour. That is not happiness. That is not being yourself. They look for more love as if it were possible to produce love on demands but love is loving that ever changing person. Loving their life for everything it is. Unpredictable or predictable. Highs and lows. Dark moods and light moods. In other words a person reacts to the world around them all the time and learning how to love that is the problem, it is not about controlling the world or the person. But books don’t teach us to be still, to take the other person’s hand and tell them I love you despite anything you might say or do or think. I love you for you and because you have to be you, you have to think about that particular thing your way and not my way and I will love you for that. I love you because of that. How many people can love and are willing to try to love you you because you are not like them. People miss the point about love and compassion. It is easy to love the person, people, things, environments that are like our own selves. That is not the test of love, compassion, ability to love, ability to care. If we can convert people to our own point of view, if we can get them to think that we are right, that we know what to do, that we know what is best for them, that our way of living and doing is the best way, than we are not loving them. By doing that we are not even trying to love them. We are not even trying to get to know them. We are not even appreciating them as fellow human beings. We are trying to preserve our own insecure definition of ourselves because we think we will be ignored and unloved and unimportant if we allow them to be what they are. But that is our immaturity. Our inability to develop our intellect and use it to control our instinctive behaviour. Our inability and unwillingness to refine our thinking and consider our individual thoughts and separate instincts, learned behaviours, considered and expected reactions and pure reasoning.
We are trying to convert them to something we can accept and something we can tolerate so we don’t have to overcome our fear of difference, our fear of not being loved, our fear of questions like will I succeed, will I be able to understand them, will I be able to relate to them. If you can convert them to your point of view, to your definition of love, if they can love you the way you want to be loved then you think you have succeed. But that is not love. That is fear. And the irony is creates the ultimate conflict. That is the inability to love. That is not growing. Loving is accepting the other person for what they are. Love is loving them and enjoying them precisely because they are not like you. Love is loving them and allowing them to be different because the difference you bring into each other’s lives is what enriches your existence and makes you grow. Love is loving the difference and learning how to celebrate it every day. We fail to do this in relationships, at work, and as a race. So really we fail to love anything but ourselves.
If people could do that for each other rather than escalate any little thing they don’t like about each other or cannot agree upon and then declare that it is a proof that they are not right for each other and that they cannot love each other because of it there would be more love in the world. Why is it so hard for people to love what is not them, what is not of them, what is not familiar. Why are people afraid of not being loved so much that they are ready to stop believing in love and settle for lust, lonely lives, passionless marriages, bitterness, hatred, violence, and ultimately acts of evil.
I wish I could for just one second stop loving her. I wish that for just one second either when awake or when asleep I could stop thinking about her. But I cannot. I believe in love. I cannot even say that I wish that my memory of her would fade because just wishing for that feels wrong because of the love that I feel and have no way of controlling. And so I wonder what else is there. How many people should we replace with each other in our lives and still believe in love. I don’t think I can believe in love after that. I struggle and cannot stop thinking and cannot stop dreaming because I believed in love. I thought I found it and it would never end. I know I just need to wander around looking for somebody and else and if that does not work I need to move to the next person and then the next and the next and the next. And the process is normal and it is supposed to make feel ok. Just another lost man searching for something. Just another person ready to take whatever they can from whatever person comes their way because that’s life and that’s what being adult is all about, taking what you can benefit from at the time and that’s it. I don’t believe in that. I cannot believe that is happiness, I cannot believe that is being honest with myself. I cannot even bring myself to wish to be with somebody else because I do not depend on other’s peoples’ definitions of happiness and pleasure and so I cannot do it because I do not feel that I need to fulfil my friends’ expectations. Nobody can know what my definition of happiness and fun and good times is and nobody has any right to impose their definitions upon and me and I most certainly do not wish to tell other people what to do and that is why I stay away from people and their ways. Just what is it that people think that qualifies them to tell other people what to do and what fun is. What is it about people that makes their opinions more informed than mine. Nothing. People find their justification in sticking together. But just because ten other people are doing the same thing that does not make it right. Just because people have their own skewed definition of love which is there to make them feel good about their decisions it does not mean that I have to accept it. My definition of love or anything else is not more correct than anybody else’s but the difference is that I do not impose it on other people in order not to feel isolated and in order to protect my ego and make myself look good and valid so I can feel good about myself, and I do not tell anybody that I know what is best. I do not know and I do would not try to convince anybody of anything but at the same time I cannot stand it when people try to convince me of something which I know they cannot be certain of anymore than I could be certain if it.