Self determination, self expression and the search for the self and the ideal other

I have come to realize that when we find something unique within ourselves (unique but not special, not one of us is any more special than any other one) we realize how and why it defines us, we learn that we cannot give it up because we know that if we do we would no longer be ourselves. And when we learn how to see that same something ‘unique’ inside somebody else we know we cannot give them up because if we do we know that we would no longer be ourselves because they have become part of us. But if we have not found, within ourselves, that which defines us, then we cannot know what we are, therefore we cannot know who or what we need in order to make us happy.

We can perform any deeds. Good and bad. Legal and illegal. We can be pulled in any direction and shaped by anybody, because we have not defined ourselves. And that is why we cannot see that ‘unique thing’ inside somebody else, the thing that would make us think that they are worth keeping and doing anything it takes in order to learn how to love them.

If we cannot find enough courage to discover who we are and how to hold onto our very own selves and the belief which defines and creates all our actions then how can we learn what love is and why it is worth believing in and being committed to somebody else and their unique self. We cannot.

That is why we are lost. We are too afraid to ‘search’ ourselves so we search for the ideal mate hoping that they will be able to help us find and define ourselves but we cannot find the ‘right’ mate because we do not know what we are. Therefore we do not know what it is that they need to be in order to complement our own personality and make us happy.

So we keep searching for both, finding neither, and remain too afraid to believe in ourselves and that within is there is a unique feature which defines us, and express that which we are and have to be. So nobody can get to know us because we are too afraid to be anything else than what we think they need us to be. Therefore we continue exist as an undefined individual seeking acceptance and approval from anyone we encounter or anyone willing to offer them.

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Personal change and weapon policies

Guns, like alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, pornography and other forms of addictions, obsessions and various forms of mental disorders are a way of dealing with unacknowledged anxieties, neuroses and psychoses and are not a normal human behaviour. The fact that we maintain such behaviours and have legislations which support them does not make them valid, useful, healthy or required. Rather than addressing the general explanation of why we think we need guns it would be far more useful to discuss the reason why we think we need guns with a qualified and experienced mental health practitioner who could point out some of the errors in our perception. Errors in thinking are errors in logic. Starting points of arguments cannot be proved logically regardless of how logical you are, your conclusions will be determined by your starting point which is your perception, not by the excellence of the logic. Logic from a wrong perception can give the appearance of a truth with a resulting action that is dangerous. We must learn how to change our perceptions about guns, drugs, race, etc. Simply, members of any group, a group of drug users, rapists, or people who like to drive fifty kilometres an hour above the speed limit will constantly reinforce other members’ habits, views and opinions. That is why this is not worthy of an argument. There is a need to pause, reflect, determine and then examine, examine closely, deeply and personally the need to maintain such behaviours. What is required is a personal reflection without outside influence, and yes with somebody who can interpret our motivations and fears because an individual cannot interpret his or her motivations. An individual cannot examine themselves from another person’s point of view without wanting to learn how to do it and how to understand the source of their personality, its fears, anxieties, neuroses, and so on. One needs to learn how to empathise and relate to other human beings. Unfortunately, our psyche is designed to bypass the complex and deal with situations in safest and fastest of ways. Fortunately, we are starting to learn that our instinctive fears, beliefs and anxieties must not guide our actions. Our actions must be assessed and controlled for the benefit of humankind. We are no longer animals. We are capable of designing highly complex actions which can have positive influence on all human beings and because we can do this it is our duty to do so. We all have fears and anxieties. We are designed that way. We cope with them in different ways. Unfortunately, some of us cannot cope with them and ignore their anxieties and neuroses and fears. Instead they make them public and project them as policies and principles which are neither good, nor right nor sound and which create conflicts. And they look to others with similar forms of fears and anxieties. And those who perpetuate them cannot acknowledge the problem because they cannot perceive it.  They cannot perceive it because they are unwilling to acknowledge their personal anxieties thus they cannot acknowledge that the reason why they have formed policies and why they maintain their view is not because the fear or the need are real but rather because they are unwilling to deal with their fears and so they cannot recognize that it’s easier to claim that we need to maintain current laws and regulations than it is to deal with personal fears. And just because we have developed wrong policies, regardless of what they are called, it does not mean that they must continue to exist. We need to deal with our own fears, our individualities and grow and change the environment so it is more peaceful, healthy, friendly, tensions free, weapon free, drug free, and so on, which will create space and give us time to focus on ourselves and fellow human beings will lead to new personal realizations and growth and group and public realizations and changes. So rather than looking at others with guns and thinking about the legislation. Ask yourself how can I grow and change so not only would I not feel the need to carry a gun but so I would not feel the need not think about this issue, at all, let alone allow it to affect me. Because compared to the real issues, like hunger and fear, it is, after all, completely irrelevant. Unfortunately, we cannot begin to deal with the real issues until we acknowledge our own selves and our anxieties and that is why we are not directing our efforts and resources to where they are nedeed.

Vagina men vs. true geeks, power play and false masculinity

I woke up in the middle of the night realizing that a sincere realization has occurred deep within my mind and therefore I share it with you here on Facebook and in my blog. One man’s observations of the state of affairs. No this is not an attempt to be a male Carrie Bradshaw. It’s just that this particular article has to do with sex and sexuality and many other things. In addition to my realizations mentioned in some of my other articles, written a while ago, I have come to realize that there are other factors which in my humble and limited opinion explain why women don’t really care about the quality of the man’s character but only about his ability to nurture their ego and their femininity and how this relates to geeks or nerds or men who are not what I call the vagina men. I am not a vagina man. No this has nothing to do with liking vaginas.

I am a nerd and that’s why I cannot be the vagina man. But what is a vagina man. I have to define the term. Vagina men are men who would do anything to have sex with any woman, anywhere, any time, no reason required. They would play any game that any woman wants them to play in order to have sex with them and in order to appear masculine, in charge, father figure, head of the house. I could not care less if I have sex once a year, once every ten minutes or once every ten years. I am so completely self sufficient that it completely and totally frustrates women. Furthermore, I love to cook, clean, and I love my job and so the only thing that I want from a woman is love. I do not need to have sex with ten different women every three days in order to feel masculine or like I have to achieve whatever it is that men are supposed to achieve (by sleeping with numerous women).

It’s only in the last few months that I have come to realize how much frustration geeks can cause to women who require certain kind of assurance. I have been talking to psychologists, I have been reading, I have been thinking and I have come to realize why this happens. I could be wrong. LOL. You see women want men they can control with their femininity and their vagina and with other assets which are unique to women. It is not a conscious realization. And it is not a conscious intent. It is a subconscious power play which needs to be observed and interpreted in order to be understood. Like many other psychological problems.

If a man, who is in a relationship with a woman, does not look at the woman she is wondering why, is he thinking about somebody else. If he is not talking, why is he not sharing everything with her, he must be sharing it with somebody else. If he is not around her all the time, he must we wanting to be with somebody else. Why is he not inspired and awe of her, all the time.

I have come to realize that this sexual power play is one of the main reasons why many geeks do not have girlfriends. There is no way for women to control true nerds. Nerds are curios and intelligent, they read books, play video games, create, use technology, they interact with other deep nerds, they are in their own mind. There is no way for women to control them. Especially not with their vagina power and other feminine powers and many women need to do this because they feel inadequate if they cannot perform this function because they are not aware of the things that make them special, unique, talents, hidden potential which had been supressed by men, for thousands of years. There is no space in a nerd’s psyche for that. His mind is full of stuff, all the time. This is why women need constant validation from men. Again, this is not a clear intent. They need to be with men who can whisper in their ears, tell them how beautiful they are no matter what their hair looks like, or their pants, or their shoes. Men who can supply small lies and big lies, all day, every day. Men who can pretend they are interested. Men who pretend they don’t cheat so well that women can believe them. Men who are ready to do anything and say anything just so they could use any woman for sex and to control her and demonstrate their abusive and insensitive behaviours which is what makes them feel masculine.

Individuals in this kind of relationship are not there to reaffirm each other’s values, they are not helping each other grow, they are not there to love each other for what they are. And what they are, and what we are, what you my dear reader are, and what I am, is good and bad, ugly and beautiful, perfect in some ways and imperfect in others. All of us are many things. And if you can’t love the good and the bad then that isn’t love. And there is no other love. The only alternative is to lie. Pretend we are something we are not.

The problem is that if one cannot accept one’s own imperfections and insecurities how can she or he accept them when somebody else points them out. We don’t accept them, not our own observations and most certainly not somebody else’s observations of our imperfections. That’s why we have to lie and learn how to treat it as a form politeness, thus further lying to ourselves about the very reason why we are lying to ourselves.

Are we to live with people who feed us nothing but lies about who we are and what we should do with our lives or are we to live with people who don’t care about our talents, gifts, passions. Are we to live with people with no aspirations and desires other than to eat and sleep. During any one day some people do little more than eat and sleep and some other people perform incredible amounts of work. So like I said, if one cannot accept one’s own imperfections and insecurities how can she or he accept them when somebody else points them out. They cannot. And geeks, example me, have no interest in games and vagina power, and ego massaging. Ouch. If people are not taught to accept and discuss their own imperfections forget about being in an honest caring relationship and forget about loving the one who points them out. We could go much deeper and ask why does this happen. It happens because of centuries of oppression of women, inequality and so on. Women do not need paint on their lips and faces. Yeah make up. Women do not need tight clothes. Why are they doing it. Because of men. There is nothing feminine about being dressed like a doll. It is not feminine. It is there to attract men. It is not a woman’s natural state. Just be what makes you happy. You.

Women don’t need men. Men stink, they are dirty, they burp, fart, drink, swear, eat like pigs. I know. I am a man. Not all men, of course. Not me. LOL. Many. Most. Many live like filthy animals. Men are men. But more than that. Men are allowed to be themselves. And women? Their job is not to be themselves. In fact, we now have a generation of women who do not know what it means to be themselves. From the age of whatever, ten, they use make up and every other accessory there is. A woman’s purpose is not to be herself. So much so that we are now at a point where women cannot accept and deal with their own potential and value as human beings.

Why. Because women are told that their job is to make men feel like men. So they see themselves primarily as somebody who is there to support and nurture their man. And guess why, because those men who need to flex their muscles like impotent beach boys are men who feel insecure about their masculine features or don’t know how to accept and deal with their masculinity, subconsciously of course. To them their masculinity is a complicated psychological process which they do not understand. They are left on their own, to deal with their own misinterpretation of their masculinity. They have no idea what it is let alone how to deal with it and explain it to their children. So they need cars and women and muscles and weapons in order to reaffirm their masculinity, which, GUESS WHAT PEEPS, IS NOT IN QUESTION.

They need dolled up women who will allow themselves to be abused, demeaned and used for sex like some plastic dolls and not loved and celebrated and nurtured and adored for their gentleness, all that so their men could feel manly and masculine because that’s what we are told is normal. And the freak show goes on. I am a geek, I have no issues with my masculinity. I am a big, hairy, ugly man and I know it and that’s why I don’t need a doll who will give me everything that every man needs: a woman who would take care of me and who would allow me to abuse her so I could reinforce my masculinity and perpetuate the circle of violence against women. So, women, ask yourselves, do you really need high heels, artificial paint on your face, skin, hair. Do you want to be the object that reassures men of their masculinity, that reassures the weak male psyche of something which it does not understand in the first place. The unperceived, unexplained, subconscious fear of impotence with which men deal the only way they know how, yes by using and abusing as many women as they can.

All I can say is if I were a woman I could not give a shit about what any man or woman thinks about me. And men, yes you mucho men who need cars and weapons and endless supply of things to maintain your masculinity while the world and women suffer, you are doing it because YOU feel insecure, not the geeks. You don’t realize that your masculinity is not going to disappear and that it cannot be taken away. No matter how gentle, quiet and loving you are, your masculinity is still there. There is nothing you need to do to preserve it.

We could go even deeper and ask why do we feel the need to reinforce our masculine or feminine features or why is it that men have been controlling women for so long. We would have to talk about instinct, self image, self image formation, social order, the origins of modern societies and the foundations of formation of human psyche and so on. It could turn into a complex psycho philosophical social debate. But let me continue with the dumbed down version.

Unfortunately, many, most, if not all geeks undermine women’s sense of womanhood. I have learned this. Yes, personal experience. They do not make them feel important, loved, cared for. No, that is not good either. It is a problem too. Like I said a woman cannot control me with anything. I am self sufficient in every way. I am in a relationship to find love. To learn about love. But I have come to realize that love is an act of constantly providing reassurances and expressing your feelings of amazement and wonder about your partner’s state of mind, body and everything else. And the wonder is endless. It really is. Women are special, unique, and beautiful. And discovering emotional and psychological and physical features is a never ending process which is deeply intimate and revealing and it is what makes us grow and realize what it means to experience deep emotional and physical states of pleasure, with the person who is willing to reveal herself or himself. But not all perceptions can be positive and not all things and details can be beautiful. But are we never to discuss what is not beautiful and what is beauty and perfection and talent. I love imperfections too. No simple task ladies and gentlemen. I love everything about me and therefore I am ready to love everything there is to love about the other person. Good and bad. Beautiful and ugly. And both exist, within each one of us. And this is why the vagina men can dominate.

The vagina men can spin bullshit, lie and provide the constant barrage of lies, deceptions, tricks, false assurances, meaningless conversations, pointless suggestions, and so on, and guess what, it works. An artificial reality made up of lies. It does not really work but it becomes a temporary false reality because it is what women want to hear. Not all women, of course. Until the whole thing explodes and everybody gets hurt. And then the process repeats. The whole thing keeps folding and unfolding like a gigantic freak circus. Women end up ‘learning the truth’ about their men and their secret affairs, secret children, secret jobs and dirty dealings, secret kinky habits which they are not grown up and manly enough to reveal and explore with the one person they love and so on. The scenario keeps repeating. From homeless bums to the European aristocracy, senators and diplomats, military personnel. And for the geek, for me, the problem continues to exist.

How do I provide a truthful opinion and say what I mean without being rude, and uncaring. How can I maintain my identity and my beliefs and show how much I can love. No small task ladies and gentlemen. I don’t have a fucking clue how to do it but at least I know where I stand and I don’t live in denial about who I am. The show goes on. And so what does a geek, non macho, non vagina man, like me do. I find a good seat, watch the show and provide an interesting commentary. And try to learn more about myself and women.